Friend or fiend?

I'm quiet sentimental these days and it is troubling me. Because when I started to feel this way, I'm sad. Everyone will be sad too, its natural right?

But, the saddest thing is that I'm a sensitive person and I never tell right upon someone face if there's something not right. I'll keep the problem within myself and I'm not going telling anyone. Only just recently(when I started to have a partner), I started to change. I started to know how-to-share-problems...and I feel much better. I'm happy, and glad, because to have someone who willingly to hear.

I feel like, appreciated? Yes, you can say like that, and also I feel like being cared and loved. Its just amazing. Why do I feel like this even though I can feel the same way with my own family?By my parents? Well, of course because of the love from someone special to us, but its not just that.

Honestly, *drum roll please* I hate my past life. I hate my lifeless life during my high school days, and a little bit hate when I was in kindergarten and primary school. I don't have much good memories during those days. Of course everyone does have their own, so as me.

But I'm not going to tell everything here, because certain things cannot be spoken out easily, and...its private, and I think it might not be very nice to tell openly. So, the thing that makes me hate my school life in kindergarten,primary and secondary is that I don't have any "good friends" or " best friends" or some people may call it as "soulmate" or something...

Friend.
It sounds easy to have but it is not. I have been schooled 2 times when I was in kindergarten. When I was 5 years old, I was schooled at Sg. Kantan, Kajang. I' going there with a white van with a male driver who is very nice to me. I'm the only passenger whose from another kindergarten, and the rest, is from the other school. Naturally, when somebody is "different", not many people will like, and the rest will hate. So, I was bullied by the girls from another kindergarten. I remember those days clearly, and it was a bad experience to me as a child.

Same goes when I was 6 years old, still I didn't have any good friends. There are some, but in the end, its all upon myself...and the school friend here were much better than the prior. When I was in my primary school, I was an active girl. I'm a school prefect and also monitor class. I was very happy back then, but I have no friend to share everything, to eat together and to hangout. I was all alone. Of course there are some, but when they were with their cliques or another best friend of them, I was left behind. Its just like you're totally forgotten by them.

And I feel like...what they call in Malay, tempat persinggahan? it means that when they got no friends to talk to or to have some fun they will find me, but once when their friend is there, I was left. Got the idea? And the feeling...it hurts! I felt these everyday since I was in kindergarten till now. Yes, I know its pain. But maybe the feeling is always with me, I'm already used to it.

It happens, over and over and over, until my high school days. The same thing. No friend lepaking with me got friend lari. Its just...sad. I know I'm not fit enough to be called a good friend or best friend and I always taught, why is this happen? Were that because I'm indifferent? What is it? I wanna have friends, where she can understand your situation and not talk back behind you. If I'm making a mistake I need them to advice me, not to talk me back. Its just frustrating because it keeps happening again, until I'm in university. Still no friends.

Forgive me the for way I treat people is the reason I have no best friend, and I'm still in progress to improve myself to be a better person. Maybe the way I'm thinking? or the way I carry out myself. I can say I'm an independent girl. I love to shopping alone, I go to class alone, I eat alone(sometimes if my partner isn't with me) and I can stay at my room whether in Hostel or house alone. I walk alone from training Silat and Gamelan, which makes me sometimes crying silently(thank God because of the night, nobody can see me cry)because of being too lonely. Its just lonely. The feeling you do everything the same thing all alone.

There's a girl I know when I was in matric and we use to be a good friend. The way I see her, she's same as me. But I can say that her biggest problem with another friend is because of the way she thinks and carry out herself, which totally not different much from me..and she's more independent and strong. Of course, I love her, because she's my 1st friend in UIA, and we are a besties ever since...But now she's married, and will become a mother. I'm very happy for her and her husband, but at the same the feeling of losing a friend is happened again. I understand that she will have her commitments and responsibilties for the family and I didn't regret that.

Thanks to you for becoming my best friend, I really2 appreciate it, and I'm sorry for troubling you when we were studying and doing homework together.I really am. May Allah bless your life with happiness and barakah my friend.

My name is Farah, which means happiness or a lively person. Obviously, the name doesn't reflects me at ALL.*ouch me*